My Life: Part 2

Happy Halloween

2005-11-01T01:04:19Z

I thought I'd scare everybody today and actually post a journal entry :) I'm working... needless to say my life is 10 x more boring than it used to be hahaha remember last year I was writing in this thing like every other day about some crazy drinking mishap. I miss those days but its so nice having money.... and a sweet car! It's funny how our perspective changes too. I was so used to living day by day. going to class and counting down the minutes till i would go out that night. Now its like I'm living on a weekly scedule. I dont' really bother doing anything during the week and just look forward to weekends when I'll get to see people. I started hanging out with a couple people I never really talked to much. I'm starting to really appreciate the friends I have that are interested in more than just boys and partying. Its been fun discussing current events rather than listening to the same drinking story 5 times in a row. Plus the people I work with rock. They finally invited me to go out with them last Friday night. Theres this group of like 7 of them, they're all early-mid twentyish and they always go out. I would just listen to them making plans all the time and they finally asked me out. I had plans to help my mom but I was like you have to let me go!! I want them to like me!! hahaha It was so like highschool trying to get the popular kids to like you. It was lots of fun though and now they all stop by and talk to me most days. I'm one of those losers that really likes my job right now so other than that I don't have much to say :) If you're ever bored invite me out. I'm always looking for stuff to do on the weekends!!

holy lord

2005-09-20T00:52:20Z

I haven't written in this for foreverrrr. craziness. I guess my whole summer can be summed up in one world: sleep. hahah I spent my summer laying around and going on interviews. I interviewed with 10 companies and 4 staffing agencies and finally found my dream job the other week. My boss is so much fun. She's four years older than me and was in a sorority when she was in college. She also lived in her sorority house when she was there so we have lots of stories to compare and contrast. She's great. It's been so much fun learning from her. She's training me to be in charge of payroll and benefits. These are both jobs I thought I would get after like 3-5 years of experience so it rocks that I'm learning it now. Also, I just bought my very own car. A brand new hyundai elantra... bright red. cute cars :) I highly recommend it with its 100,000k mile warranty. I'm going to drive this one into the ground until I can buy my Audi with my six figure salary hahaha one can only dream

holy crap

2005-07-01T05:41:20Z

So apparently I haven't updated in forever. Even pat updated more recently than me and how often can you say that! geees. Nothing much has been going on. Still looking for a job. Grandma is still annoying me making me feel like crap. same old same old. I started really missing being around everyone in philly. I spent the past four years making great friends and relationships and now its like I'm leaving them all. This past week though has made me realize the value of true friends. I think I was confused about this in the past. I remember the first time I was mugged last year, Amani and Alaina were there to make me peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches. I miss being able to run next door and tell stories of the night before :)

Then there's pat. I've been friends with pat freshman year, through dating vijay, breaking up with vijay to date his roommate, turning into a complete alcoholic, til last semester when I drasticly slowed down drinking again. We argue alot but thats just cuz we're both opinionated. He's always been there for me... sitting with me at the bar as I get wasted once again. Reminding me that i'm drunk and making sure I really want to go home with a random guy :) but most of all chatting with me about everything under the sun online. It made me realize that a best friend isnt someone you hang out with all the time. but its someone you can talk to about anything.... and they'll actually hold up their end of the disgussion too. Its so easy to find someone who will just not and agree with everything you say. But its really helpful to hear advice or other opinions.

I miss living with Joanna and being with someone who didnt' mind just living in the same room with me. We didn't have to talk all the time, but randomly we would just chat for forever and go out and have the best night ever. I feel like I divorced everyone by moving home and leaving the city that grew on me the past four years. I just wanted everyone to know how much I miss you. Even though we don't hang out much I still refer to you all as the greatest friends ever. If you ever need a roommate... I'm your girl! ... after i pay off my loans :) but it shouldnt take long while I'm living at home.

Thank god its friday

2005-06-10T17:16:22Z

It's almost funny how while I was at school I was so busy I didn't have time to even watch T.V. Now I'm home and all I do is watch shows all day long. I'm starting to get bored so I hope I get hired for this job soon. I had my third interview Tuesday and I think everything went really well. I heard through the grapevine the whole department wants me to work there... and I got the highest scores on the math test...oddly enough. Right now I'm in the market for a new car. The only problem is... every time I find a car that one person likes .... someone else hates it. I think I've gotten to the point where I'm just gonna buy the car I like and forget what everybody else says. Everyone has their own good and bad experiences with every single brand of car. Other than that my life has been boring. I basically sleep and read all day... and watch lots of movies. I went to visit nick in vermont last weekend and it rocked...but it ended way to soooon... like most vacations do. Now I'm back to laying around again! It seems like it will never end... but at least I'm not tired all the time.

happy sleeping

2005-05-25T04:00:40Z

A lot has happened since my last update.
1) I graduated... thats pretty big... I think anyway
2) I had an interview with Rodale. It's a pretty big company with lots of opportunities. I'm really excited. If I get this job I can work my way up in the company. There won't be any of that putting in your time so you get experience and then get a better job at a better company. This is a better company so its like starting at the top and going from there. I didnt really have any ambitions to go find a job but I'll take what opportunities I can. I'm really excited about this and I think I have a good shot at getting the job. Not to meantion the lady hiring for the position is Abby's aunt... thats a plus. Other than that, it brings me to my next number....
3) I slept. Thats about it. Everything was crazy for two whole days and I've been sleeping ever since. Saturday I didn't even bother to change out of my pjs. It was great. Same for today come to think of it.

Congratuations to everyone else that's graduated! I'll miss those of you who have yet to walk the stage :)

Less than a week

2005-05-15T03:13:06Z

In less than a week I'm going to be able to hang my diploma on my bedroom wall. Its weird to think how four years and $60,000 earns you a piece of paper. If I had to do anything over again I would do it in a heart beat. It's been the time of my life. I got home to Lehighton Wednesday afternoon. Mike had come down Sunday and stayed the rest of the week with me. He was my body guard as I beat utility money out of all my housemates and took their cable boxes. We had a lot of fun and I must admit... I never saw one person eat so many cheese steaks in half a week. Mike was rediculous. Everytime we were going out to get food he had another cheese steak!

One thing that suprises me though is that I miss nick. I'm so used to doing my own thing and not worrying about anyone else that it's weird to actually miss someone. Usually when people I'm close with go away I just start hanging out with someone else. It's weird... but I'm definately glad to be home with my family. Today I went on my first bike ride of the season and now I feel like I'm going to die. Well... not really.... my butt just hurts alot... not used to riding. booo

Anyway.. I just wanted to say hi to everyone... i.e. pat and meg cuz I know you guys are like the only ones that read my lj on a regular basis. I'm still alive... just busy with the whole graduation thing and sleeping my 1o hours a night. :)

four days of classes, one final presentation, one final paper

2005-04-27T13:12:04Z

My computer died. Amani's boyfriend Eric fixed it, but left it in his office and went away on business til Sunday. I think it's a good thing though. This whole forcing me to do stuff other than sitting in my chair playing solitaire and chatting on aim has given me a new found respect for life. OK... well maybe not that dramatic. But I've been hanging with Nick alot. He's fun.

I got permission from my parents to not get a job this summer. I plan on sleeping. I'm serious. I'm going to sleep.... for the first time in four years... I'm going to sleep and not have anything to worry about. I was thinking of joining the Lehighton Band like I did the summers after my freshman and sophmore year. But then I think to myself... then I'll actually have something to do. Its not that I'm lazy. I think I just burned myself out. As soon as I sit down, I fall asleep. I sit in class and dream of my pillow. My eyes always burn, as soon as I wake up, I'm still tired. I've been sick from my ucler a couple times a week now. So I'm just going to sleep. Eventually when I wake up I'm going to visit Amani at Busch Gardens, Meg in Rochester, and Vermont. Not to forget the yearly family vacation... this year to Martha's Vineyard.... which I've recently come to learn is in Massachussettes? not Maine? damnit!

As for graduating..... overall I'm excited. But on rainy days I get sad. I will miss Temple... but live goes on. I can't wait to bike through the mountains and not have to worry about getting mugged.

Spring is in the air

2005-04-13T01:31:51Z

I looked at all my entries and I noticed I've been kinda depressed lately. That kinda sucks. I never get actually depressed like sad... I just go straight to angry... so those entries were me being angry. But I must say... the weather has been soooooo nice. I love spring. Its the best season of the year because its not too hot and not too cold. Its perfect biking, hiking, and blading weather. The flowers are blooming and everything is green. Spring just rocks in general... although it makes me sad sometimes to be stuck in the city and not able to fully appreciate the benefits of the perfect temperatures.

I just got done with one wave of assignments. This week I have a test on thursday, a presentation on friday/possibly monday, and a presentation on monday for sure. Theres a chance I'll have two final presentations on monday and that would totally suck. But it works out well though because after that I have one presentation and a paper left....EVER. Like thats it for my whole college career and then I graduate. It's insane.

I'm over being mad at certain people for what they've done to me. People are just stupid sometimes and its to be expected. All I can do is protect myself and stay happy :) I do have good friends that I probably never write about. Like Abby... I love abby even though I havent seen her since her bday Feb. 26th. Its like we've separated.. :( *sob* and pat... even though the only free time I have is for our lunch dates or to ask him to drink with me... he's still a kick ass friend and I love him. And while there are sisters I will never trust, there are also really awesome girls that i've gotten to know. They all know who they are.

So even though it seems like I dont like anyone at all and I'm always mad... I'm really not. I just use my livejournal to bitch about whats bothering me. I like to think I'm relatively happy in person... and I don't like wasting my time being negative. My livejournal is my way of saying what I actually mean when I'm just sitting in the corner not talking to anyone. So to end this entry, I would just like to say I love all my friends and I'm happy to have them :)

Tried counting sheep....

2005-04-05T09:42:20Z

I've been having trouble sleeping this past week. Even though I may think something doesn't bother me, I can always tell that is actually does by my sleep patterns. I start having really weird dreams, or I sleep all day, or sometimes I just don't sleep at all. Unfortunately for me, this time I just can't sleep at all.

One by one, the people I've learned to trust have dwindled down to just a few. It always amazes me how someone can just decide to screw over a great relationship on a whim. I remember a time when saying no actually meant something. If a friend didn't want to do something, you just stopped trying to get them to do that. I remember a time when our feelings actually meant something, and didn't become just another obstical to overcome. Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but I still remember a time when our friends could be trusted. They were there to help you through the hard times instead of causing you more.

Maybe I'm just nieve. Maybe this is life's way of preparing me for the real world. People aren't to be trusted. Maybe innocence does die with age. We learn to protect our own interests, even if that may be at the cost of others. One thing I know for sure though is this; no matter how great of a friend you consider someone, there will come a time when their actions become questionable, their intentions become skewed, or their true motives become masked. The question isn't IF this will happen, but WHEN this will happen. And then once it does, do you forgive this person because... after all.... there was only time standing in the way of their mis-trust? Or do you write this person off, because once and for all they have proved to not be worth the air it takes to talk to them.

Rainy Day

2005-03-28T19:34:09Z

I wasn't sure if I was going to write about this in here or not...but I decided I kinda feel like talking about it. I had a really bad end of the week last week. Last Saturday, after having consumed insane amounts of alcohol, I woke up at 6 am to finish writing a midterm paper before I left for Connecticut for the women's ncaa tournament. This was probably one of the last times I'm ever drinking alot again. I wasn't allowed to drink in Connecticut, and I didn't. It turned out to be so much fun. But thats not what I want to write about.

Something completely unexpected happened to me as I was driving home on the bus from the tournament Wednesday morning. Everyone was sleeping on the bus except for me and a few people. It was rainy and depressing and it just made me start thinking. That was the very last band trip I would be taking. All the sports I ever played at were over. I'm never going to have to play another fight song ever again. It just made me really sad. It had finally set in that I was graduating. I spent the rest of the trip trying not to cry. When the bus got back to presser I could hardly talk to anyone to say bye. Then once I got home I just cried the entire rest of the day. It really shocked me. I never cry ever. It's the end of an era. But while I may be sad that everything is ending, I definately don't wish it to last any longer.

The experation date for college is four years. Any longer, it will just go bad. I'm ready to move out of the sorority house. I'm basically over being in the sorority. I'm glad I joined and I love all the girls. But I'm just done and ready to move on. The one thing I will miss though is being in the band. Out of all my friends and everything I've ever joined, the people I've met through being in band through Highschool and college are the few quality people I will probably stay in touch with. Everyone else I've met in college is fun to party with, live with, and hang out with. But I've learned I can't trust most of them. It's also gotten annoying that since I've been quitting drinking, most of the friends I've made have been pushing me to continue.

This weekend I went home for easter and it was so nice being away from the partying, screaming and constant puking. Last week I was sad, but now I think I'm truely ready to leave. I probably won't be at Temple for any more weekends. I'm already planning on going home this weekend. Initiation weekend is probably the last weekend I'll stay here. Given a choice I would rather go on a 30 mile bike ride over drinking any day. I would rather steal road signs with my brothers or go to the movies. I've also learned that age doesn't equal maturity and I've had more fun with goofing around with people that can't get in to bars than I've had with friends going drinking with me. It's just time to go... I can't wait to move home.

Happy Easter

2005-03-28T04:17:51Z

I haven't updated in forever. Sorry. So much has happened. I went to Connecticut for the women's ncaa tournament. It was so much fun. I wasn't allowed to drink under strict ordered from Dr. Oliver. I guess I got a little too out of control in Cincinatti. But not drinking was probably the most fun thing that I ever did. I thought it was going to be boring but it wasn't. Nick and Joe are like my best band friends in the world. They're so much fun so I just hung out with them the whole trip playing cards and wondering around east hartford. It was a nice vacation from the usual pressure to drink to have fun. So I decided to continue my streak of sobriety to see where it gets me. I don't really want to drink anymore and since I've decided to do this, I've begun to notice how many people really pressure me to drink. It's really rather annoying actually.

I always have pressure to go out Wednesday's. And then people want me to go out thursdays and fridays and saturdays. And it just really never stops. When it comes down to it, I would much rather go home for the weekend to go one bike rides. This weekend/Easter turned out to be awesome. I don't feel like being back at school. I love being home so much :) I might go home this weekend again just to relax. One can only hope....

$80,000 and four years later.... this is what I've learned

2005-03-23T18:47:50Z

Rum
Congratulations! You're 83 proof, with specific scores in beer (40) , wine (33), and liquor (52).

Bring on the mixers! Take something strong, add something without any alcohol and you got yourself a Cuba Libre, a Presbyterian, a Greyhound or a Whiskey Sour. You like your drinks strong, but with the flavors of your favorite colas or juices. You're willing to try something new, just so long as it doesn't give you a headache.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 1% on proof

You scored higher than 86% on beer index

You scored higher than 84% on wine index

You scored higher than 86% on liquor index

Link: The Alcohol Knowledge Test written by hoppersplit on Ok Cupid

The Tale of Two Lives

2005-03-16T18:40:06Z

Come Friday I'm only going to have seven weeks of classes left. The more I think about it, the more and more excited I'm getting. But at the same time I feel bad for everyone I've come to consider my friend these past four years. My college graduation is starting to feel very similar to my high school graduation... only I've had a blast in college. In highschool I joined all my extra curricular activities, I had friends... they were fun while they lasted, but once I graduated I just never looked back. The only person I really talk to from high school is Abby... and we didn't even talk in highschool... we just grew up living next to each other.

Right now I feel torn. I still have two months left of the best time of my life. Despite everything that has happened to me... I love Temple and Philly. I've had so much fun being in AEPhi and band and everything. I love everyone I've gotten to know... but I just have the need to leave it all behind. I feel like I've moved on from this part of my life a little too soon and it's putting me in a bad mood. I get annoyed when people beg me to drink, I get annoyed when people try to get me to go out. It annoys me to get drunken phone calls when I'm trying to sleep. It annoys me when all the guys I used to make out with call me up five times a night trying to get ahold of me. I know you don't want to talk to me or just hang out.

For spring break I did tournament band, like always. Only this time I noticed something. There's this group of "bando's" that basically segregate themselves from the rest of us. They drink in the hotel every night, get noise complaints, and then talk about how drunk they were the whole rest of the trip. Does it make you cool to drink? Is that the only reason you do it? Dr. Oliver overheard me and Suzanne talking about some of the crazy things I've done while intoxicated. He asked me why I drink. I gave him the typical answer that its fun and I like it.... but it got me thinking.

I drink because everyone is always asking me to go out. I drink because the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with wound up forgetting me for alcohol. I drink because I've been mugged twice, had my car broken into, been taken advantage of by just about everyone I've ever trusted. I drink because I'm too crazy for the guys I like, yet not crazy enough for the ones that like me. I even may drink because in the past three and a half year, three of the major influences in my life have passed away or are in the process of doing so. My life is anything but ordinary and stumbling through it in a drunken haze has given me an excuse for everything completely random that has happened to me. No matter how in control of your life you think you are, you're really not. You can't control the unexpected.

Sometimes I just want to run outside and scream at everything and nothing in particular. I'm ready to move on, but for now, the environment I live in will continue to hold me back. People are going to ask me to drink... I'll probably say yes.... who knows where the night will leave from there. But in the back of my mind, I'm always going to know theres only two months left. I'm not going to miss college. I'm going to look back and laugh and remember what awesome crazy times I had, but I'll never wish I was still here. College was only meant to last four years, not the rest of my life. I'm ready for it to end.

Where has the time gone?

2005-02-28T18:41:01Z

My last update was groundhogs day.... 26 days ago. Now some may ask, what's happened since then.... but a more appropriate question would be what hasn't happened since then.

The first weekend Abby and west point boys came to Philly. Then she stayed for the Superbowl and we went to a bar and got completely retarded cuz the Eagles lost.

The next weekend I had so much stuff to do at school, so I got really overwhelmed and went home for the weekend... and ended up taking a road trip up to West point with Abby. Best weekend everrrr

The weekend after that I went home and went skiing for the first time... and I almost died. Had lots of family time and relaxation.

Then this past weekend..... ohhhhh what a weekend. Abby is officially 21. God help us all. Friday we tried to karaoke but the guy that always does mcgillans is by far the worst karaoke guy ever. I lothe him entirely.

During the week its been the same old same old. I've slowed my drinking to about two nights a week. I'm getting my work done.... considering I only have like three real classes... I guess I had better get my stuff done. One thing that really pissed me off this past week though, one of my house mates stole my credit card.... I'm not gonna name names or anything but it just really sucks. I know who did it, and where and what time they used my card... the only thing I don't know is why. I guess some people can never be trusted. But I'm over that....I have better things to worry about. like how I only have eight weeks of school left! sweeet! and next week is spring break..... hello D.C. and Cincinatti.

I think I'm going crazy

2005-02-02T05:34:21Z

I think the whole reason behind my outlook on life is because no matter what I do or don't do... my life always seems to be out of control somehow. So far this semester I have 12 credits of class. Thats nothing compared to the 17/18 I've been taking since I got to school. Last semester I was ready to die with all the work I had and now I don't have any responsibilities aside from basketball band. It's been awesome. I've seen so many movies. On Demand has become my best friend in the world.. I'm not gonna lie. But the one thing I find funny is that everything still seems so freaking complicated! Well.. maybe not complicated as much as hectic.

I thought I'd found a guy that maybe I'd actually talk to on a regular basis... he was nice enough and fun to talk to. It was easy to see though that I was a little crazier than what he wanted! hahaha So he told me this and I was like yeah thats cool... not really a suprise to me. It was kinda like being dumped by a makeout buddy. I was a little disapointed cuz EW! hellooo I'm totally awesome! Everyone is supposed to be madly in love with me even though I'm not in love with them... but whatever.. I'm over it. The funny thing about it though... that conversation with him happened like friday I think? around then? and then Sunday I was sitting around in front of my computer with the worst hangover ever... and got asked out by three different guys!

The funny thing is though... all three of these guys were ones that I consider friends... and then in one day three of my friends tell me they're interested in dating me. It's flattering but also at the same time I feel sooooo bad. I don't really want a boyfriend. I know people say if you really like the person you can make it work... but I honestly can't. I just don't want a boyfriend at all. When I meet these guys and try to keep talking to them after that one night I got drunk and made out with them.... I think it's really only because I want to drink with them and make out with them again.

A boyfriend that I would want in the future would be someone to be partners with and help out with life... doing little favors that make things easier for each other. I can't handle that right now though. I get annoyed when anyone calls me that I don't feel like talking to. I get annoyed when guys try to hang out with me when I already have plans. I get annoyed when someone simply asks me what I'm doing that night. I hate having people care what I'm doing at night. MAHHHH! I guess basically all I really want is someone that will just answer the phone when I call and hang out with me. Don't bother talking to me other than that. hahaha I dont' even like sleep overs anymore. I can't sleep. I can't sprawl. Someone is trying to cuddle you. I'm just like meh leave me alone. All I really worry about is if I'm going to have time to go to the gym, tan, AND get to the bar on time for karaoke!

But then as soon as I feel this way... holy guys batman... they're everywhere. Maybe its the promise of spring in the air. Maybe mating season came a little early. Maybe I just have PMS and hate guys right now... I don't know. All I know though is that I just want to go to my classes, do my homework, drink with my friends, and not have anyone wonder where I am that night.

The Simple Life?

2005-01-29T09:01:17Z

I was walking back from class today and I read this bumper sticker that said "Live a Simpler life so we can all just simply live" I wrote a paper last semester on the downfall of society revolving around advertising. When I was writing that paper it made me hate everything business and question our reason for being here. But then, with the incredible talent I have for ignoring my thougts, I forgot about it. This bumper sticker just reminded me of all that. Life is so complicated in our society and is it really worth it?

Lets start with something relevant to us right now. Why are we going to school? Chances are most of us are going to school because we decided to invest in ourselves. We are going to school so that when we graduate we'll be more likely to get hired to a good paying job. Go to college and you'll get paid more. Getting paid more means you can buy better stuff. Does being able to buy better stuff really make us happy?

People go in to debt buying all the things they think they need instead of what they actually need. Companies don’t care if their customers file for bankruptcy, just as long as they bought their product. The reason people do this is because businesses have people so convinced their life isn’t worthwhile unless they own certain products. People have to work longer to make extra money to pay for the things they are convinced they need. I find this upsetting because now we need to work all day leaving no time to spend with family and friends having fun and enjoying life.

Temple is making money from me and all the other students going here. The university uses the money it makes to build and expand the college so it has the capacity to accept more students. Then it will earn even more money, buy more land, and continue to expand.

The reason the students are attending college is to earn a degree so they can graduate and get a higher paying job. We all are convinced that we need a degree in order to earn more money. Then we will be able to afford a bigger house, better car, and more things. The staff employed by Temple has gone to college, earned a degree, and is now making more money than they used to. They probably have a bigger house, better car, and a lot more than I do since I don’t have a degree yet or a high paying job. The main reason my parents made me come to college wasn’t so I could actually learn something. They just want be to be educated so I can get a good job. Then I can afford my own big house and fancy car.

When I think back to summer though, I realize I supported myself without a degree from college. I was only earning ten dollars an hour but it was enough to pay rent. I also had enough money to buy all my food and take a weekend vacation to the beach. I didn’t have money to buy everything I wanted like a nice new car, but I earned enough money for everything I needed. I also only worked forty hours a week and hung out with my friends every night. We weren’t able to afford to go to amusement parks or long vacations together, but we played volleyball and went on hikes. It was just as much fun and not stressful at all.

It would be wonderful if everyone could realize they have everything they need and focus on having fun. Then life would be so much less stressful and more enjoyable. But the fact of the matter is, if everyone realized this, than most of the businesses would fail. People wouldn’t want to buy any of their unnecessary products anymore and businesses won’t let this happen. It takes a lot of effort to change ideas that have been drilled into our head since we were old enough to watch T.V. I always think I need things when I actually don’t because some commercial or ad makes it look cool.

Why do we need a million dollar home with a car that's twice as much? The house will be boring if you have no friends to fill it, and the car is going to be totalled when you crash it doing zero to sixty in two point six seconds. What is the point. Life would be so much more fun if I could get a regular paying job, live in an apartment for $500 a month, only work 8 hrs a day, and then have the rest of time to play and hang out with friends. My favorite activities... riding bike, playing chess, and swimming dont cost me anything once I buy the game or bike.

At the end of my rant all I really have left to say is this. Fuck the stupid bumbersticker for making thing in theory. Its four AM and I just wanna go to sleep.

P.S. What is with everyone I usually hang out with on weekends being in a different state?! Abby went to New York. Vijay went to D.C. And Andy went to West Virginia. Can I please go to Arizona? Its so much more closer to Wyoming and I've decided I'm marrying a cowboy.

Didn't I have a sorority meeting?

2005-01-26T12:43:33Z

Did you ever wake up in the morning... take a look around... and wonder "what the fuck just happened?!?" yeahh.... So that was me as of ten minutes ago. I dont know why I'm awake so early but I'm betting it has something to do with the alcohol. Now you're probably wondering "what exactly is her point here?" and I'm not gonna lie.... I often wonder that about myself too. But I guess if you're bored... or you have a couple minutes... I'll tell you an entertaining story.

Here goes....

So I went to band yesterday and ended up getting out real early since we only had auditions. I called Joanna and went over to Kardon. We were trying to figure out where we should order from when I realized I still never got any money from the other night I spent it all on beer munchie pizza. So I asked her if she wanted to go to the draught horse and then I could just charge our food.

So we get to the draught horse... now remember its only 6 at night. They ask if we want a table and after a little hesitation we decide to order at the bar. Big mistake... HUGE. hahaha Who really sits at the bar and doesn't order a drink?! helloooooooo. Apparently not us. So we ordered fries and perogies and I remember having two vodka cranberry things. Then there was 10 minutes before the happy hour specials were over so I chugged another drink so I could quick order one more for the special price. hahaah Then maybe there was a long island iced tea after that. But I guess I'll never know for sure.

Everything went into a kind of dreamlike phase after that. John magically appeared out of no where. Then all of a sudden we were eating ramen at Joanna's. *Poof* I'm back at my place. I think I chatted online... confessed my undying love for Abby. Openly admitted to a few secret crushes. Got pissed I had homework for a class so I went online and dropped it. Just the usual drunken debacle.

Aw but I'm not gonna lie... I looooove the bartenders at the draught horse. I think somewhere around the third drink I saw my good friend Joe (at the bar is a friend of mine) come in to work. I kept making a heart with my fingers and he would just laugh. Then by the time we were leaving both bartenders were making hearts at me. awww *blush* The one even knew my name... which made me nervous. I can't be a regular! NOOOO! I asked how he knew my name and apparently he was the one I always used to try and get free drinks from. He looked at me and was like "you got mugged last semester and then you started coming in alot and getting wasted." yup. sounds about right.

So I guess I'm going to the bar tonight with my girls :) sweeet. My goal is to remember everything... and not talk to people I shouldn't be talking to. I seriouslly need to meet new guys. Cuz the ones I've been talking to (or not) are boring. But nothing good ever came from meeting people at bars.

haha SWEET!

2005-01-25T01:03:47Z

You Are Fun Sexy

You're funny, quirky, cute, and sassy.
Guys always have a great time with you, and that alone is sexy.
You've got an upbeat, optimistic spirit that totally shines through.
Any guy would be crazy to turn you down!

What Kind of Sexy Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Death and Dying

2005-01-24T07:14:39Z

So in attempt to boost my gpa over a 3.0 I've decided to take a class I heard was an easy A. I decided to sign up for death and dying because I've heard good things about it from my friends and I'm good at writing papers quickly. We have an assignment due tomorrow and its only an easy little paper but instead thinking about my feelings on death... its makes me think about how I feel about life.

People always say life and death situations like death is the opposite of life. But when you die you leave the world... so the opposite is coming into the world... which would be birth. Then whats life? Its like this whole grey area in between.

You never know for sure what is going to happen in life. We may think we know, but then life has this tricky way of letting us know that we actually don't. So why do we waste our time trying to make our life into the idealistic "perfect life" Why can't we just let it be. It would just be so much more less stressful if we didn't follow any rules or try to be what society tells us. Cuz no matter what you do.. stuff always happens.

There's no way to get out of it. You may think you're just driving into town with your mom for groceries... but then you get in a huge car accident with your mom right before your brothers graduation party. Or else you think you're just going to the bar with a friend to sing karaoke.. and it turns into one of the craziest nights of your life. And my personal favorite are those nights you think you're just walking back to your apartment and in a span of five minutes your life is turned completely upside down.

I have come to realize I can't control anything about my life.... and it's really not a bad thing. I'm probably the happiest I've ever been. Sure it would be great if I was hot like Naomi Cambell or as rich as Bill Gates. That would be totally awesome. But I'm not. Thats not what my life has in store for me. I'm happy with who I am and thats all that really matters. Cuz once I die I'm not going to have anything I've earned or bought throughout my lifetime. All I'm going to have are my memories and they're totally going to kick ass.

And P.S... to add to the list of how my life does 180's....
I thought I had guys figured out... but no. Nice guy turned into a dick while the asshole is totally fun... but the pot heads are still amusing.

There are just some things I'm not meant to understand

Happy Birthday to me

2005-01-09T21:57:22Z

Tomorrow is my 22nd Bday and as seems to be the tradition... I shall remain sober. Chances are I'll be sober by myself too. I can't get anyone to drive me back to TU until Tuesday night, but then the celebration will commence.
"What does commence mean?"
"to begin"
"sweet! let it commence then"
~~ Thats for you pat.

but anyway. Tomorrow I dont have anything to do.... oddly enough. Everyone is back at school... or at my school.... and my mom is working. I'll be alone.... but I will make up for it in the next semester! I plan on making it a monumental last semester.

"the game"

2005-01-02T03:45:33Z

This entry stems from one of my many new years resolutions... "TO BE NICER TO BOYS". You've all heard stories about how mean I was one night at the bar or at some party, and in all honesty I never really thought about the reason behind the meanness. So in my conversation with John today I think I figured it out. We've all heard people talk about "the game" and all that crap. Nice guys definately finish last because of this stupid game we play. We go to parties and the over confident smooth talking players come up to us and win us over with their flattery. So we're like awww nice guy I wanna make out. And then the other persons true colors shine through after that and then you're left in wonder thinking where the fuck did that come from cuz we're totally not expecting them to be an asshole. I'm not just generalizing "we" as girls. There are girls out there that are just as big of players as some guys. It all depends on who has their game down and who can be fooled.

One thing that john said that I think is interesting is about how he thinks these players lie through their teeth. Its totally true. You have to lie to be a player. The assholes are out there lying to girls faces about being a nice guy and the girls are believing them while the actual nice guys are sitting back being like "I totally dont do any of that... whats the deal." The fake nice guys get all the ass while the real nice guys are mistaken as friends because they hesitate about making a move. Then the fake nice guys get more confident while the real ones become more baffled. The only nice guys I know are my friends while the guys I meet at bars always turn out to be lame in some way.

It's hard to psycho-analyze your own actions, but I think this may be why I tend to be so mean to guys. I'm always skeptical of guys intentions and am prone to giving them a hard time. You're all aware of how I will meet a guy and hook up with them, only to completely blow them off or be a total bitch to them in the future. I've mastered the art of ignoring guys... it never turns out well but I always have the excuse of saying ... oh I don't talk to them anymore... instead of the other way around. I think it may be my way of protecting myself from being hurt. If I ditch them first then they can't ditch me. But then I wonder.. do I really want to be nice to guys. If the only guys I meet are these players, why should I be nice to them. They desearve to be bitched out... seriously. The don't need to be provoked.

Last night was new years eve. I had called this guy to tell him to make sure to stop by and see me for when the ball drops. We can all figure out why. I just wanted to kiss a boy. So I'm at the house with all my friends hanging out and I see him and theres this one girl following him around. I'm not gonna ruin anyones game so I'm not going to go interupt. He sees me and I wave and smile but I was talking to friends haha and didnt go talk to him. So whatever.. later he's kissing that girl. Then when the ball dropped he's making out with her in my living room? interesting. So I bear hug zach, pete, and pat cuz I love them and thats what I do. I run and find abby cuz shes busy doing her thing. but I guess he sees me and says something to the girl. I see her run out of the crying and am like whatever. I'm getting in pictures so I'm just smiling and acting goofy.

What does this boy do? He waves at me to go over to him. Can we say ew? you just make out with some girl that I'm so much cooler than and then you expect me to say how high when you say jump?! I don't think so. My ego is too big for that and I'm too hot to kiss boys that kiss other girls. I just smiled at him and laughed and he gets the hint that I'm not going over to him and he gets up and leaves. haha loser. Later I see him in the back yard appologizing .... and then ... of course.. making out. Not to be defeated ... I decide to call his phone and get the voicemail which I was expecting... cuz hellooooo!! you can't talk with your tongue down someones throat. My message: "Heyyyy!!! *asshole* <---(thought but not said) It's Cariann... Happy New year!! hahaha I was disappointed I didnt get to see you at all *without that girl* This party is craaaazy *not really* hahaha but I just wanted to tell you to have a good night and I hope to see you soon!!! BYYYYEEE!!! *loser*"

Once I hung up pat was like man you are such a bitch. But I guess I'm sorry I don't play the jealous role... just the "ew I'm soooo better than that" role. which is totally true. I'm not gonna lie... I'm definately the coolest girl you're ever gonna meet. hahaha Maybe its conceited but I like who I am and everyone else should too. But anyway. I saw him as we were driving away from the house today so I waved.... just to be super nice so he knows theres no hard feelings. People are stupid in general. Throw in alcohol and a decending glass ball filled with confetti and you have on your hands parties of intoxicated jackasses.

I'm not mad... just disappointed. I hugged my brother instead of kissing a boy I used to make out with. I'll survive. It's not the end of the world... its only the end of a year. There's another guy I would rather date ;) Maybe some day dating will be my thing... but until then my new years resolution stands reformed:

TO BE NICER TO NICE BOYS

will this year ever end!?!

2004-12-31T05:18:19Z

With 36 hours of 2004 left... I thought I was almost home free as I was driving to Philly for a basketball game. But then... not to disappoint me with an unevenful break... my trusty blue dodge caravan blows a gasket and dies on the south side of the north east extension. A nice tow truck guy came and picked me and pete up and towed us to the lansdale exit where my good little van now sits in the best western parking lot. I can't wait for this year to be over because next year HAS to be better. It just HAS to be. Lets start from the beginning.

2004:
-Drank a hole in my stomach
-Mugged
-Car broken into and almost stolen
-Car breaks down on 309 coming home from work
-Car accident with mom cuz guy ran light
-Major accident with dad and Pete
-Mugged at gunpoint
-Car dies on turnpike

2005 resolution:
live to see 2006 ... and lose 10 lbs haha

as of now there are 24 hours of this year left. Nothing will happen tomorrow and I will make it to the new year accident/mugging free so help me god...

conquer and survive

2004-12-20T16:44:31Z

The semester is officially over. It has been for me since Thursday at 5pm when my last final was turned in. I must say... this has been one for the record books. How much money have I spent at the bar? How many nights do I actually remember? How many cops have I hugged? How many drunk dials have I made just to say I love you? How much alcohol have I drank? And by god... How many guys did I make out with? While I know the answers to a few of these... the rest can only be left up to assumption. Maybe some day I will remember why I woke up at Joanna's that night, or why that guy at the bar doesn't talk to me anymore. But right now I don't care.

I'm sleeping forever. In the past three months I've worked the hardest I've ever worked in my life, while partying just as hard... I have the bruises to prove it too. My love life's a disaster area while my best friends have never been better. Me and pat are cool... he hasn't been really mean to me lately. Me and Abby are always going to be best friends. Its just like it was when we were little! hahaha. We have sleepovers like once a week... only now the sleepovers involve lots of alcohol usually. But I can't wait to get home for break cuz we'll probably go back to hanging out every night.

When I get home tonight, me and my little brother peter are going to go to the gym and sign up for a month. Then tomorrow we're gonna start working out. I'm not going to gain my usual five pounds over break this year. I lost some this semester... god knows how with all the white russians and cheese fries. The world may never know.

I don't know what to get my mom for Christmas. I look at everything I could get her and it's not good enough. This past year I have gotten so much closer to my parents and started seeing them as friends rather than someone to lie to about my whereabouts. now they pick me up from parties and bars. Its awesome. Plus Mike got a new girlfriend. Yay! I must admit I never really liked him with amanda.... he kinda desearves better...not to be mean.

Plus.. I am officially addicted to facebook. If you're on it... ad me as a friend!! :)

Merry Christmas to all... and to all a good day :)

A few different meanings

2004-12-12T02:58:29Z

Lance Armstrong: Quit? You know, once I was thinking of quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying of that's keeping you from the finals?
Peter La Fleur: Right now it feels a little bit like... shame.
Lance Armstrong: Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't anything to regret for the rest of their life. Well good luck to you Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever.

This is my new favorite quote. Good luck during finals everyone. Remember not to give up! It'll be over before we know it.

Hottest formal date EVER

2004-12-12T02:37:46Z

Last night was the aephi formal and it was, by far, one of the funnest nights of my life. There was drinking and cheese fries and pat, and dancing in a suit and more drinking, and then singing and more drinking and of course... there was abby, who was drinking. And then there was sleeping. By god there was sleeping. It always amazes me how much fun me and abby always have no matter what we're doing.

On a bad note... Megs car was stolen. I guess it goes with the territory of living in north philadelphia, but it still sucks. It's amazing how we've become desensitized to certain things. Like before I came to college I would have been like OMG you were mugged?!?!?! Now I'm like.. Look you're ok, everythings fine, at least you didn't get hurt. And you move on. Someone's car is stolen and we're all like at least they didnt steal anything important... cuz nobody in their right mind keeps anything important in their car in north philly anyway. And P.S. ...... You're car was stolen... thank god nothing important was taken though. When did a CAR become NOT important???? HELLOOOOOO???!!!!!

It's all in the perception of the situation. Your perception determines the outcome of the situation. Are you lucky or unfortunate? Do you feel there was an angel on your side or something out to break you? I myself feel like I'm one in a million. No matter what happens to me, I always come out ok. I'll always have my health, hopefully. And nobody will ever be able to break me mentally. I've come to learn my personality is my biggest asset. People like me for who I am and I won't let anyone take that from me. Every time I get back to my house safely, I feel a mini feat over the city of philadelphia. Every time one of my friends comes to visit me and their car is still there in the morning... I feel I have won. And every semester I finish all my classes and make it home for break, north philly was once again defeated.

Funny drunk quote from last night, which I mostly remember saying. We were leaving the formal. And as I was walking out of the lobby, I took notice to the silver tinsel christmas three they had all decorated. There was silver decorations with white lights. Basically it was all silver and white. No other colors. So I saw this tree and was like awwww I love that tree. I wanna marry that tree...... cuz's its white. Now in all defense, white is my favorite and I always say my house is going to be all white cuz I just think its so sophisticated. But in the pretense that I was walking out of the hotel with abby deanna and richie... and richie gave me the weirdest look ever.... I must admit... I didn't really know what exactly I was saying. Good times though. and possibly the biggest freudian slip i've ever made. cuz lets face it. I may or may not be a little racist.